Ninth Symphony, 2011

Fatigue weighs heavily on me, but I am refreshed. I am truly thankful to be reminded that God loved me and still loves me--in spite of myself. It was really good to connect with old and new friends, but all of that mattered because I was reminded of community in context of God's relationship with me. My issues--sins, complexes, insecurity and desire to seek significance--will continue throughout life, but Jesus' death on the cross for me shall never change. A prayer of gratitude for His eternal grace in moments of struggle rather than a mere prayer for His strength to help me overcome sin is quite earth-shattering to me. Yet it makes so much sense.

And I am grateful for my caring sister, loving girlfriend and nourishing friends. Looking back, I am just speechless at how intentional, marvelous and gracious was His planting me at Emmanuel nearly five years ago. And it still continues...how exciting I should be for the upcoming roads, bumps and all.

Eleventh Week of 2011

Discipline and reflection are the key words of my week after listening to the sermon on Joshua's last words. I am so thankful for where God has put me in now, people whom he has surrounded me with and provisions that I am blessed with.

I just need to remind and refresh myself with Him day by day and moment by moment :)

Tis about time I speak out on my frustrations. For everything there is time. I think I have been patient and careful to process information, but it's time.

Seventh Week of 2011

Remembering the positives in my first year of teaching :)

1) Reading a second book of the Logan family saga by Mildred Taylor. At the end of book club with my 6th and 5th grade boys on Friday, Samuel rises and says, "This book is DELICIOUS!"

Not to brag, but I played a part in selling the last two books to them. The first book was 250 page long- the longest book some of them read, but they loved it at the end!

2) C Will

3) Destiny's Child's academic improvement

4) Janise writing a letter to Dancan

5) Writing the notes to my kids

6) Brandon Strong's hug for giving him a task.

...and others I don't remember.

Ending the post with the lyrics from Nas:

I know I can (I know I can)
Be what I wanna be (be what I wanna be)
If I work hard at it (If I work hard at it)
I'll be where I wanna be (I'll be where I wanna be)

Be, B-Boys and girls, listen up
You can be anything in the world, in God we trust
An architect, doctor, maybe an actress
But nothing comes easy it takes much practice

What am I doing here?

Fifth Week of 2011

I had a disappointing soccer game today. I was playing physically, but got thrown into the ground with two hands by a jerk who insisted he was trying to protect me. I did get a bit too physical toward the end of the game, but I felt that I contained my frustration in standing my ground without whining or decking everyone.

But afterward, I thought about where I stand as a player in the current league. While I still got tons of room to improve in dribbling, I am relatively competent in passing and shooting in our casual league (although I was a bit off in both areas today). But our defense is below average, especially when we don't have a couple of key players. A question emerged: given that I'm not a bad player, how can I make my teammates better? Isn't that a hallmark of a truly great player?

My favorite EPL team, Liverpool, is going through a rough phase with their superstar striker, Fernando Torres, announcing that he wants to be traded and move out of the underperforming team. In today's game, I looked like him on a few occasions, grunting and sulking as we conceded some silly goals. But when I am reading Fernando's story, I'm sadly shaking my head because as much as I understand not wanting to lose, his attitude doesn't help but worsens the team.

I'm not sure how I can help the team other than making a few suggestions on our strategies without being over-imposing. More importantly, however, is my attitude: clapping when we concede a goal, saying it's okay (even when it is a silly goal to give up) and helping others not get discouraged. Recognizing that people look for me to pick up the offensive load, so I know my frustrations do not go unnoticed. Given my competitive nature, this will be challenging. So then, I thought that I should pray before every game for my attitude toward the teammates and opposing players as well as my outbursts, some of which are downright disgraceful in Christ's view.

Then over in the shower, it dawned on me that I should be constantly praying: not only for occasions where I think I need the Holy Spirit, such like playing in a soccer game, leading the Bible study and reading the Scripture...but for everything. The thing is, I can't recall ONE time where a prayer didn't change my heart toward the topic I was praying for. While it is logistically impossible to pray before my every action, seeking the Holy Spirit's presence and guidance on all things--regardless of self-assessment on how much I will need Him on certain things but not others--is the essence of Christian life.

So that will be the beginning of my lesson planning for tonight. I hope it continues throughout this week and beyond.

Fourth Week of 2011

I interviewed three Harvard applicants today, two of whom were children of immigrant families. Both suffered a few setbacks as a result of their family's financial situations, one having to turn down an admission to MIT and another having to quit cheerleading for which she won numerous awards since a young age. I can't say I liked them both, but I could sense that they are tough kids. Whether or not they get into Harvard, they are far more advanced than many kids their age.

Then I thought about kids I teach, many of whom grow up in one of toughest neighborhoods in Brooklyn but have been pampered in charter schools. Some have suffered a lot; a few are tough and responded well, others have emotional and disciplinary issues that they are dealing with. But all in all, I can see that setbacks and sufferings are opportunities for a person to grow, even though some wither as a result.

I think about my parents. While their life stories are still being written in Haiti and through those whom they have met, I am a reflection of their character and values. Yes, I'm a child of God, there is no question. But my parents raised me and shaped a lot of my perspectives and habits. While I am a grave sinner in need of God's grace daily, my parents gave me so much inner strength to deal with the world that they deserve credit for my every success. And I realized, the biggest source of their teaching was their own lives: how they moved here to the States and worked two jobs, getting down to probably the lowest rung of the career ladder perceivable, which is more remarkable given the Korean society's social norms. All so that I could get the highest level of education attainable. Yet they never complained or put their misery as my or my sister's fault, simply carrying on and dealing with all sorts of scumbags and crap (sometimes, literally) that came on their way. But even with their son and daughter achieving academic success, they did not ignore a calling from God to suffer even more, going to an extremely dangerous and uncomfortable place to serve God's children who are uncared for by others.

When I look at them and the job that they have done, I am immensely thankful for two things: that they have set such a high bar in raising me, and that they inspire me to do the same for my children. As my tenure as a teacher grows, I am beginning to realize how my actions/behaviors speak volume. I will no longer be late to school. I will no longer leave my classroom unorganized and cluttered. I am so much more than a person who teaches them math; I am a model that they look up to, and with some kids, that they like.

And thank God for this opportunity that will help me, hopefully :), to be more like my parents who led with actions and not with words. As I think back to today's sermon, I wonder if I listen and obey God's words to escape His punishment or because they truly are good for me, even if flesh tells me otherwise. As I see my kids struggling with obeying my instructions to study for their tests, I get a painful reminder that I am no different from my kids when I knowingly disobey God because I don't believe my Father to know what is best for me.

May He change my actions. May I pray for my kids to see my actions and be changed. May they see them and change, without hearing them.