Again!

I really, really don't like being hungry.

I'm a huge carnivore, so I really don't know how I agreed, but Joyce and I have given up red meat and chicken for the season of lent. 3 weeks in, despite having a reprieve on Sundays, I have come to realize that when deprived of immediate gratification, I become a highly agitated, less functional, and generally unpleasant human being. So much for choosing this tradition in lent to remind myself of the sacrifices that Christ made for us.

But before this became an exercise in self-flagellation, it became a self-reflection of current struggles in my life--why does my heart wrestle with work-related things beyond my control, choose to be utterly lazy while fully cognizant of the need for diligence, and freeze and run away from confronting the issues, something that I've prided myself on not doing before?

I don't know what the answers are. But the important thing is that I am tackling them, ignited by a small spark that came out of nowhere, really.

December 10, 2011

I feel utterly unappreciated, unaccompanied, and useless. Yup, pissed off enough to vent out at the blog. What a pity.

November 16, 2011

I really, really do not want to teach anymore. I need an office job.

November 13, 2011

Last Sunday, I heard a sermon about Gideon, a character whom I knew very little about. Two verses struck out at me, so I printed and (naturally) laminated them:


Judges 6:15-16
¹⁵And he said to him, "Please, Lord, how can I save Israel? Behold, my clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my father’s house." ¹⁶And the LORD said to him, "But I will be with you, and you shall strike the Midianites as one man."


These verses reminded me about a tall task ahead of me: teaching two grades, preparing for marriage, exploring different careers, taking care of grad school, serving at church, maintaining and growing friendships, etc. I don't look at these as a task per se: but at the end of the day, time and efforts must be spent in order for these to be truly meaningful. Often feeling lost and overwhelmed, I'd turn to TV, videogames, ESPN, and other means of diversion as a way to escape, albeit momentarily.


All these moments, I feel extremely weak. Not unlike Gideon, I feel utterly incapable. My usual self-confidence and belief in God's provision are uprooted, and I build a wall around myself.


But those verses have inspired me because I identified so much with Gideon. While Gideon's need to have multiple signs of assurance from God isn't exactly a model of faith, I think I am coming more at peace with moving forward. Come what may, for Jesus is my boss at work and in life. He demands excellence that is different from what the world requires. It is not any less difficult, but He will love me regardless.


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Reflection #1

My second year of teaching kicked off last week with the week of orientation, this time with full preparation. Yet a day before classes begin, I feel overwhelmed, unprepared and generally frustrated with teaching as a profession.

But deep inside, I know that I have neglected my relationship with God and I will not be at peace until I truly dedicate myself to doing so. This Sunday's Irene-truncated sermon referred to the story in Matthews, with a storm threatening to rock the ship that Jesus and the disciples were riding in. I have felt the presence of that storm throughout the past two years, with varying tremors. Yet I could never bring myself to trust in the Lord to rule over my storm and put me to peace, save for moments and days where I sought Him out and knelt with empty hands.

I am battered enough where I think I have no choice but to come back to Him. Oh the irony...

Post Haiti

Still processing what I have seen and learned in Haiti, but the list of all "I wish..." that I have harbored over in the past year seems to have diminished in size and importance. My wrestling with Father continues...