Work, Anger and Life?

Just want to warn you that this is a stream-of-consciousness entry rather than a polished, articulate entry that I envisioned writing more often here...

So today marks the 920th day that I have been working after college. That translate into roughly 76 and 2/3 months, or 2 and 1/2 years. And as with everything in life, there have been highs and lows. Watching yesterday's Super Bowl ads about a moose's rear end over your head and daydreaming about punching a Koala bear made me REALLY not want to come into work today. And I basically got two "Hey, dummy" at work this morning, so I am feeling a bit like that guy who got thrown out of the office window from the Budlight commercial, except that I want to throw myself rather than being thrown out.

My usual repertoire under those circumstances would have been to sulk (and I'm not good at hiding my anger) in the office, put up my best "I'm pissed off and ergo don't mess with me" face and vent out to someone else in the office or my roommate Derek. Or just being ready to fight if provoked reasonably in a mid-week soccer game even if I'm a guest player. Well, all of this happened last week so I wanted to be a bit more original.

But when all those things happened last week, I was forced to think about myself. Richard Seulki Kwon. What kind of a human being are you? The answers weren't all that great. And I can't really write them here because, well, I like being honest, but I also am not trying to use offensive language here. So it's Catch-22.

I have tried to explain all of those things about me being an angry person on verge of being a serious psycho when provoked (properly or not) via my nationality and gender--the deadly combination of a Korean male. But I realized it was a cop-out answer because, well, this is about me. Not a John Kim or a David Lee. All those things that happened last week (and reflections of how I have reacted to certain things in life) were not about a group of best of God's creations EVER, but about me.

So this weekend I asked God (as I was falling asleep) to please look into this heart of mine. For I have had this heart of an arrogant, angry _________ for over 25 years and it really isn't going to be me fixing it, if that should ever happen. But my sinfulness has weighed down rather heavily so that I couldn't but ask for His help.

So going back to me throwing myself out the window--I still feel quite miserable and unhappy. In fact, images from the movie Wanted about being stuck at a dead-end job still lingered. Yet when the cycle of self-pity and anger lifted its head again, I finally searched for those Psalm 23 verses that I had taped on my desk 5 months ago. And then I felt the urge to write this entry because to me, it was a huge VICTORY that needs to be recorded lest this bird-sized brain of mine would forget.

It's a baby step. There is no guarantee that my heart will be transformed, and should it happen, I don't expect it to take weeks or months. It'll be years, if not all my life long. All I can try to do is rather than constantly calling someone to vent or feeling sorry for myself, I would remember my identity as a sinner saved by grace of Jesus Christ.